Punkmonkey Blog http://punx.com/members/ Tue, 07 Sep 2010 01:24:55 +0100 FeedCreator 1.7.2 Getting Lost http://punx.com/members/12730 So, I have come to realize and need to remember not to lose myself… I’m not the best at relationships, and have noticed that in the few I can say I have been in I tend to deal with badly. I have a really lax personality, and think of myself to be open minded. I usually don’t care what we do as long as we are together, but I have realized that this is not really a good thing. I mean it is good to be open to things, but I tend to be a little too much so. I mean sometimes I can come up with things to do, but usually I will leave the decisions to someone else. I need to be more decisive, and do what I want. Not to be selfish, or uncaring in anyway, just need to input a bit more of my personality to drive things. I figure its better that way so then I can actually gauge the relationship, and how things are working out. I’ve come to notice, that I will go along with just about anything, and never really put myself into an activity, or whatever. I guess it’s a little hard to explain. But from what I have noticed women, that I am attracted to are used to doing certain kinds of things, but are also used to strong men who make the decisions, and then they go along with that. Not that I feel that is a good thing, but it’s what seems to be the norm and what everyone is used to. Sometimes things work out that way, and sometimes people just aren’t compatible that way, but it’s one way to figure out if things will, or may work out. I guess I don’t make things easy.  Maybe I am wrong, but that seems to be a big factor in my past relationships, that I don’t give enough in that aspect. I guess it ends up putting too much pressure on the other person, and puts them in a situation they are not used to. I end up making them feel that I am too dependent on their input. Kinda funny how women want to be heard and feel they have some say in a relationship, and often they don’t feel they get that. But in my cases they get too much and feel out of place. I don’t know. It is all a bit confusing, trying to balance things out, but I think this is one area that I need to work on. It’s really difficult for me to see the point dating and what not. I don’t do the random hook-up thing, because it just doesn’t feel right to me. I have to find something to really be attracted to someone to even consider doing something. That seems to be a problem in itself. I tend to fall hard when I finally do find someone I like. I always lose myself in some ways. I get too wrapped up in the relationship, and make things bigger then I should. I guess everyone has what they consider their type. I think I do to, but it always seems harder for me to find it. I often find something close, that I think may be workable, but often is way too much for me to handle, and I can never express myself correctly. I think people often get the wrong impression of who I am, and how I am. Then when they start to figure me out they lose interest, because of how I change for the relationship. I don’t know why I do it, and I think it’s normal, but I think it negatively affects my relationships. I wish I could always be in touch with who I am, and what I like, and stick to that, but I just get too wrapped up in the fact that I am with someone I think is amazing in one way or another. Granted they maybe, but since I am concentrating on that, I guess they never see who I am, and really learn to appreciate that. They often just end up taking advantage of what they get from me, until they find something else. I mean out of the few relationships I have been in, I have only broken up with 2 myself, the others pretty much went on till the girl got tired of whatever, or found someone else they were hot for, lol. Anyway, I end up with the broken heart. Guess I go more off lust, and try to make it love. I do think I find things to love about people, though I shouldn’t. I dig and find the things that I love, and build on that. I can’t say my relationships have ever been just about physical appearance, I can’t say it doesn’t matter, because it does, but it’s not what I make the priority. There has to be some personality, and I fall for that the hardest. I love certain types of personalities, but they are never what is good for me. I know that the types I like are usually that way because of bad experiences, and trying to cope with that, which makes them difficult, and not really stable enough to build upon. It’s aggravating not finding what I like and being compatible with it. It’s dumb for me to wonder why a failed relationship failed. It just did. Sure there are reasons, but I shouldn’t be so shocked, or worried about it. Based on what I like it’s pretty much a given that things will not work out, so why put myself through that? It’s like I try and help the person, to understand, and feel better about life, but they don’t need a counselor, they don’t need me to sit and listen to their problems, that is what friends are for, and often that is what all my relationships turn in to is more of a friendship, which then gets ruined because of that fact, and that I tend to have a hard time letting go of my emotional feelings.  I am having a hard time right now trying to understand why things don’t work out, and dealing with what should be as opposed to what I would like to be. I know how I am and how things go, but I keep letting myself go… getting lost.

]]> Punkmonkey Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:56:06 +0100 Dealing with my Reality... http://punx.com/members/12730 It’s hard for me to understand what I feel. I know what I want, and at times I know I feel I may have found that, but really it’s nowhere near what I really want, or what I need. I’m afraid that the more I try to find it, and get mixed up in these stupid situations, the worse I will be. I have a hard time seeing things for what they are and accepting that. I want so much more, and feel I do deserve it in some ways. Unfortunately, this will not be. I cannot continue to fight, when my heart and mind are no longer in it. I still hope that one day it will find me, but really, knowing how I will feel if it does come around it is doomed to fail. I’m too afraid of what it could be, that I will in the end mess things up, I know this. So really there is nowhere left to go, I’ve tried, and failed so many times. I’m giving up because it is pointless, and I can’t take it anymore. Granted what I am left with isn’t any better, but at least I don’t have to worry about trying and failing. It’s going to be a lonely cold winter, but hopefully when it’s over I will be a bit stronger… Alone but stronger…  

]]> Punkmonkey Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:42:02 +0100 Fucked up time to realize... http://punx.com/members/12730 Sadly I think I finally understand, I guess I understood it before I just had a hard time remembering it. So I was texting my ex about some things going on. In between the lines she mentioned some things, and I understand now why she is so mad at me, and why she’s always hated me. She is a very private person. If she wants you to know something she will be the one to tell you. Granted she does a lot of things out in public and she tells enough people that word gets around and her business is everywhere. But I am so sorry for my part in it. I never meant any harm, but stupidly I have done what I have, and put more stress on already stressed relationships. I can never take back what I may have said, or done.  It’s kinda funny how my actions fucked things up to a point where I don’t think we will ever be friends, though she has done the worst anyone has ever done to me. I guess I just didn’t have a way to deal with what was going on and looked for help and understanding from those who I shouldn’t have. I really need to move on because what was was and is now over. The problem I have is that I can’t find anything else; I can’t find what I’m looking for. Whenever I think there may be something, it’s not what it should be. I confuse myself. I just need something to help me get though this confusing time. But I don’t want to hurt anyone else, or be hurt again. I know it happens but I can’t go through it again, not right now. My ex has found someone, someone to share what she wants of her life. Someone that she actually likes enough to do what is right, and spend time with. I think about all the people that I know, and what I can get from each of them, but right now none can provide what I need. It sucks being alone, not having anyone to share things with. I have friends, who I can talk to now and then, but really I have not gotten any help with the issues I have. Some good advice that I can actually put into practice. Everyone who I have talked to about my ex has told me she was not worth the trouble, that she will only cause me pain, and that I deserve more. I realize this and appreciate what they have said, but it does not help. Right now I can’t think of what is the best thing to do. Everyone tells me I should start skateboarding again, more. I’ve tried, but it just isn’t what it used to be. I still have my old fears, and even some new ones. Skating does not get my mind off things, actually it makes things worse. There is nothing like having a bad day of skating, while something is bothering you. I miss having a beautiful girl sitting shotgun on little road trips. Guess things will work out some day… Here’s to hoping for the best.

]]> Punkmonkey Wed, 07 Oct 2009 21:47:39 +0100 Tired & Listless http://punx.com/members/12730 So, not much is has been going on lately... Life for me anyway just seems to be in a rut of boring pointless nothing. I cant say there is anything of interest to Blog about, or talk about. Absolutely nothing... My ex is basically out of my life. I do miss her, but that doesn't matter, and really I shouldn't. There are no prospects in on the horizon, and nothing happening. I just work, and go to my usual hangout. Seriously I need a change of pace, something fun, and exciting to do. I guess I have a hard time thinking of fun things to do, and right now have a lack of people to do things with. I seem to retract into my shell, and close myself off to things; maybe I just don't see them. If it's not obvious and in my face I guess I don't see it... Its weird how when things are going on I think too into it, and ruin it, but then when nothing is going on I can’t think enough about what to do, and how to make things happen. Even on-line it seems so dead... The sites I regularly visit have nothing of interest. I need some inspiration, something to drive me and the creative juices along, otherwise everything seeps into a pool of nothing, and depression. I'm not particularly upset or depressed right now. I think maybe i am being a bit realistic about some things, and letting go. Accepting what is what. Trying to figure out what is really worthwhile, and what is worth letting go, and how to go about doing each. Life is complex, some things are so sad, while others are so amazing, and still others are a bit of both. I’ve had my few experiences, a little of both the good and bad. Right now I’d like to figure out how to have more of the good experiences, without it leading to the bad… either way it’s an experience, and life will be lived. To the fullest? That’s a question that I doubt the answer, or at least the answer it should have. Based on my past I’d have to say it won’t be. Full of regrets, missed opportunities, and what not. Who cares… Yes it bothers me that I can’t seem to let go of the things that I should, and need to. Those negative experiences dwell in the back of my mind in a repository just waiting to resurface at the worst of times, instead of appreciating, and relishing in the good times. I guess in the end I tend to be more pessimistic that I should be. I try but I just can’t see that glass as half full. Maybe it takes a bit of humility? I don’t know I don’t see myself as a prideful type, but maybe somewhere deep inside there is something? Honestly most of the times when I think about it I am maybe a little too quick to point out my flaws, and apologize when I am wrong. Sure it sucks, but I guess it’s easier to see where I messed up, and admit to it, than to say someone else fucked up. I guess it’s just harder for me to deal with the fact that someone else can be so crude and rude and not care, when they should. How do you deal with things when it wasn’t your fault? I guess those are the things you should let go, but I can’t seem to understand how, or why people are that way? I know we all have our experiences that help to mold us into who we are. I know many people are scared and do not want to admit their darkest, most inner feelings. It’s understandable that most do not want to feel vulnerable, and put themselves out there… But, damn! Sometimes… I hate the fact of where I live and feeling limited not only in what there is to do, but also who there is something to do with… I could see if there were enough options to just say fuck them, I won’t talk to them, I’ll just hang out with these folks instead, but really, I don’t have anyone. Where do you go, or what do you do when all you feel you have is yourself, and you can’t get away from that?!! Oh-well…

]]> Punkmonkey Tue, 06 Oct 2009 21:33:06 +0100 Happiness and Sadness… http://punx.com/members/12730 When happiness is called for and rightly deserved, but at the same time it brings with it overwhelming sadness. That is where I am at right now. I will not explain the details as they really do not matter. I just wanted to get my feelings out. I am totally happy for someone right now! It is awesome! At the same time I am saddened to such an extent! I will be fine. It is nothing new, and bound to happen. Life is awesome in so many ways… The good times, and the bad can be so extreme that we just don’t have the capacity to take it all in and appreciate everything. Sometimes, sadly life seems to move to slowly, at least for me. It’s like I am sitting by watching life happen for others, while never really being able to live life myself. I am so tired of this but I am at a loss and do not know how, or what I can do about it. Not that I haven’t tried, but things are so difficult right now. I can barely keep my head above water. Every time I think I may be getting somewhere it turns out I was just digging myself deeper. I really don’t know what to do. I feel the best thing to do is just let things go, just go on as I have and be happy with where I am. That irks me so much so that I can’t relax, I can’t be happy with this. My heart and mind aches for something, but I don’t think I will ever reach whatever it is. I am so sad. Maybe with some time, but really I don’t understand how to deal with this?? Hopefully come November I can get some coverage to get some therapy?! I really need some help… So much bothers me and seems to overwhelming to deal with. I try and ignore the facts, find ways around things, but in the end the issues are still there and will not be resolved anytime soon… Patience is a virtue, once I had it but I have lost all remnants of it. I don’t know how, when or where this all went so wrong. I thought I once knew what I wanted and how to get there, but somehow I got sidetracked and lost so far in the woods… The few joys I once had are all gone, I can’t find the joy that once trickled in every now and then. Maybe it stems from my heart and my mind not being able to agree? It’s like there are two forces fighting for control, and attention, and neither one being satisfied, leaving me to a life of bland mediocrity. I don’t want to push the issue, because I know nothing good would come of it. If a few positive things would fall into place, but that is not up to me. All I can do is wait, try to not worry and hope that someday this will all make sense, and work out for the best. I’m so afraid though that this all means nothing.

]]> Punkmonkey Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:26:39 +0100 Head Spins… http://punx.com/members/12730             Sometimes life can seem so boring, nothing but bad things building up. Maybe once some of those things are cleared up things can get better, but who knows. Situations come up all the time. It’s just a matter of dealing with them in the best manner possible to keep things from getting worse. Sometimes there isn’t a whole lot we can do about it, but often enough it’s a matter of having enough experience and forethought to get it taken care of. Looking for experiences, or having a good time comes around soon enough, but you have to have everything strait to enjoy those times and not pay for them later. Granted for me anyway those times do not come often enough, to where I really don’t want to miss out on them, and make the stupid decisions that I regret and pay for later. Seems all my life I have sat back and waited for those times. The few times I have tried to make things happen, they have almost always turned out badly. Not to say there haven’t been those exceptionally awesome times, that came out of nowhere. Life can be hard, but usually it’s a matter of how you perceive things, or what you chose to make out of it. I can’t say I know how that all works, but I guess from what I’ve heard it’s your choice. Lol… anyway I’m having quite a boring day/week at work. I have way too much time to think about all the fucked up things that have happened, and I really don’t care. The experiences of the past few months have varied. Some of the best times, and also some of the worst times have occurred within the last 6 months. That is all over now. Now I need to readjust, I need to learn to do certain things to make and keep myself happy and occupied. I can’t worry or think about being with someone, that chapter of my life is over. No wondering what will happen today, no more being confused about what is going on or if I will see them again. Now I need to figure my shit out, and decide what I want and can do for myself. I need to figure out how to truly have fun by myself. There really is no one to do anything with, and I have to get used to that again. It’s been roughly 4 years that I have had at least someone to do things with, and that sadly is what I will miss the most. After growing up spending most of my time alone, I thought that was over when I got married. I looked forward to sharing my experiences with someone. That ended 4 years ago when my wife and I got divorced, luckily though I had a great friend to basically spend the next 2 years with.  Sadly that ended when I couldn’t take that relationship any longer. I ended up hooking up with the most awesome person, though completely unreliable, or trustworthy. I fell so hard, and am having the worst time getting over. I knew when it ended that it would be bad, though at first it seemed easy enough. Fucked up thing is I still hung out with her, and we would mess around every now and then, but there was never going to be anything out of it. Instead of seeing it and treating it for what it was, I thought that maybe somewhere that there was a chance of it growing into what it could have been.  Oh well right? None of that matters now. She’s still enjoying her life doing what she loves most. Sure she still has her issues, and her problems, but she has her own way of dealing with that. Maybe as she gets older, and maybe tired of it all, she may realize, and try and change, but that I will never know…

]]> Punkmonkey Thu, 10 Sep 2009 18:48:52 +0100 When?? http://punx.com/members/12730 I am so tired of everything, of thinking more than anything... My mind is wearing me out, my body and spirit. I think about stupid shit that really gets me nowhere. I am tirelessly, running through different thoughts of what happened, why it happened, where things could have gone better. None of that really matters. The past is the past. I need to get over it, and move on. I’ve done it before, but not without scars. Every situation in my past, especially dealing with relationships has left me a bit bitter, and dejected. I never come out on top. Never learn those lessons, and come out a better person. If only I could change my perspective, or something. I know what I like, but that is not what is good for me, but then what do I do? Where do I go? I know my life is in serious need of revamping. Something has to change. I need to somehow figure out what it is that is right for me. Learn to find what it is that I am in the end looking for. I can’t keep searching for what I like and want and hope it will be what I need. I need to change the way I get when with someone. I try too hard to be what I want to be, and what I think they want. Stop trying to please so much, while at the same time being clueless selfish. I need to take care of myself, and do the things I need to. Then maybe when I am stable enough, then maybe what I was looking for will find me. I feel I will be alone for most of my life, maybe when the time is right, then and only then might I find that one. I once tried to make things work with the wrong one. That lasted way longer than it should have, and then ended horribly. I don’t want to do that again. But just recently given the opportunity to do the same, yet maybe worse thing, I jumped at it and luckily that ended before it went too far. My heart is bleeding inside. It shouldn’t be. I should be grateful that it ended before it went too far. Yet I still crave what I felt, and what I had at times. I don’t want to think about any of it, but my mind does what it does… I’m afraid of going back to the way I was, and am. To be shy, and not able to enjoy things because I hold myself back. What am I so afraid of? What holds me back? Why can’t I be like everyone thinks I can and should be? There is nothing wrong with that, and I am getting too old to try and fail. There are things I should have gone through when I was younger, but I saw no point in it so I kept away, and didn’t experience life. Now I am so stuck in my ways, I don’t see how I will ever get it right. Dating for me is not even an option. I am to uncomfortable, and there are not enough ladies around for me to even try. I’ve dug myself in a hole, and even if there was a rope, or a ladder I wouldn’t know how to get out… I really have no options, just to go on, hopefully to one day find my missing piece. I guess, when the Angels sing...

]]> Punkmonkey Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:27:46 +0100 Change of Thought... http://punx.com/members/12730 So, usually Thursdays I get my daughter for a few hours, then go to my regular bar. The only thing is that I usually run into my ex that I am very much in love with, for apparently the wrong reasons… I’m nervous about going out today, because we had a bad night on Sunday. I’m pretty sure she won’t be there tonight as I believe she’s going through some things, and her living situation may have changed. I love her and would love to see her tonight, to see how she’s doing, but I’m pretty sure she will not like seeing me and it would end up being some more ignoring and stupid shit. I don’t know why I can’t get through to her, or why I can’t seem to understand her moods. One minute she enjoys being with me, then the next she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I don’t think it would be so bad if I could understand, if she could maybe explain what’s going on? I don’t know anymore, and can’t handle being around her not knowing or understanding where she’s at in the moment. I wish, I could just let go, not care, and be fine with that. I thought I was for a little while, and then I got suckered into caring again. Now I have to pull away again, not really knowing from what or why. I know why I shouldn’t care about her, she’s lies, is not faithful, is WAY to promiscuous, is not ready to settle down, impulsive, unsure, confused, an alcoholic, and many other things. At the same time my heart honestly melts when I see her. When she smiles it brings a smile to my heart. She has this Aura, and this confidence, that makes everyone fall for her. She knows how to work, and manipulate people to get what she wants. I don’t want to be her doorstep, but I don’t know how to be there, yet not to the extent of being used. I’d do anything for her, and she knows it. I make it too easy for her. I wish sometimes I could be a bit more like her, carefree, and just be able to let things go. To just enjoy life, and the moment, to be free spirited. I love her eyes, and her smile, her nose, the way she sings, her laugh. The way she walks is adorable. Her hands… I could massage her every day! I love the feel of her skin, and the way she smells. I know she is going through a lot of stuff in her life, and she doesn’t need me making things any more difficult. I wish I could help with some of those things, to lighten her load, but they are not for me to fix. Those are things that she will have to deal with and figure out. The problem is she finds things to take her mind away from those stresses. I need to understand that, and find a way to be more positive, and encouraging. It’s just that I have my issues, and need to solve those first, though I have no clue as to how. In some ways we have some of the same issues, not the exact situations, or means of how the problem came about, but money, and relationships are both in there. How we got into our predicaments are totally different, but still the ending results thus far have been the same. I’m setting myself up for failure, and I see it, but I have my foolish hopes, that with her I can do something, become something, to have something to strive for. I want to live my life for her. But, that isn’t going to happen… I have to let go, because really there is nothing to hold on to…

]]> Punkmonkey Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:15:44 +0100 Weekends... http://punx.com/members/12730 My heart and my head aches. I’m in love with the one person I shouldn’t be. I can’t get over how beautiful I think she is. I love all kinds of things about her personality. But the fact that she doesn’t share my feelings kills me. She cares about me, only in the sense that she has someone to talk to who listens and cares.  Sometimes I feel like I know what is what and what is going on, where I stand. Then there are times where I am completely lost. This weekend we went on a little getaway. She took her son, I took my daughter, and a friend of hers came along as well. We drove for around 7hrs to the Texas coast. It was a long drive to and back, but it was a fun trip. We spend Saturday at the Beach and had so much fun! We all just hung out and enjoyed the weekend. Sunday night after we got back is when all the bullshit came back. I’m not sure what happened or why. I dropped her off at home and she told me to call or txt her when I got home and if I was going to go out to our usual bar. So when I got home I texted her and she didn’t seem to care. Then I asked if she was ready to go to the bar, and she said she was already there. When I got there she didn’t seem to care, she was busy texting, and talking to other people. I knew then she was in one of her moods… So, I tried to be chill, but it just seemed like I wasn’t there, like we didn’t just spend a great weekend on the coast. She was flirting all night trying to get some digits, and/or some dick for the night! I know this is how she is, but she was just telling me a few days ago how she’s trying to stay away from that, and her random hook-ups, but I guess last night that didn’t matter, she was on a mission. As it was getting closer to closing time I asked if she was going to be going home with someone, so I could know to leave her alone, but she said no. Then not even five minutes later she was leaving with a guy that I would consider a bit of a friend, or at least an associate. Somehow I and a few friends went out to talk to them to see what the hell was going on?!  She didn’t want to talk to me and was for some reason mad at me. I knocked off her bandana and she flipped saying I hit her. I love this girl, but I don’t know how to deal with her. I mean it went from great weekend, to her completely ignoring me, and hating me for what?! I hate seeing her flirting with dirty assholes just so she can get a fuck, and some attention. She talked to me about possibly getting back with her ex-husband, I know they still love each other but they can’t get along, and that is because he can’t trust her.  I know how he feels. I need to stay away from her. I can’t keep going like this, being in love with her. So now I am hung-over, sad, and lonely. I want to hear from her to know she cares, that she’s thinking of me, that we are ok as friends. But that doesn’t matter; I can’t be her friend anyway. To make matters worse her and her housemate/friend got in an argument last night as well. They may not be living together much longer. I feel horrible. I know it’s not all my fault, but I feel bad. I care way too much about her. Everyone tells me she’s not worth it, but I can’t give up on her. I see and care about her too much to see her needlessly in pain. I want her to have the best life she can possibly have. I love to see her smile. It makes my heart melt. She is so beautiful… I just need to find my way to deal with this and forget about her. Knowing how I am though I will never forget her…

]]> Punkmonkey Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:14:03 +0100 Readjustment http://punx.com/members/12730 Soo.... it seems I am entering a time of readjustment. My life since the begining of this year has been a bit hectic. It has mostly been by choice, for a lack of anything better, but this has to change. I have been wanting and craving something that is at least for now unatainable. I have been letting myself get involved in situations that have been less than favorable. I fell in love, and let down, deceived, and trampled on. I still am madly in love with someone who will never be able to reciprocate those feelings. I know she cares, and has found a sincere caring friend, but sadly that is all it will ever be. I've been going out to bars and clubs trying to learn to be more social, and have made a few friends, or associates at least. I have had some good times, but just as many bad. The problem is that I have been letting other things go, such as work and some personal self development. I need to get used to being alone again. I was for so long in my life, and at one point thought I found a life long companion. After 8 or so years, and a child between us that too came to an end. I saw it comming and should have stopped it long before it became what it did, but for fear of being alone, and not knowing what else to do I let it go till there was nowhere else to go. I have put myself into such a situation I sadly cant see a way out. I want to be able to enjoy what little I have and to feel that things are ok, or at least will be?. I don't know if what I am going through will help me, or how long it will last, but in the end I hope I come out with a new sense of worth nad understanding. The friends I have try to help how and when they can. there are just so many issues to deal with, I don't really know where to start, except with the here and now, nad try and work my way back to some hopeful sanity. I don't know if I will ever find what I am looking for. I have my doubts. I have been jaded by my experiences, and by my personality don't think I have or will learn from them. I know better, but still let my self get carried away with emotion, and longing. Which always leads to heartache. Once befriended that is all it will ever be. I have been having a hard time dealing with that realization, that I have known about for a while, just had forgotten about in recent years. I really do not know how to be what I don't really understand. I have let myself down time and time again. I don't think in my present situation that it is something that I need to worry about, but I can't forget how things go. Anyway this is abit much for me to process right now so I will end this now. Till next time...

]]> Punkmonkey Tue, 25 Aug 2009 21:23:01 +0100 Once again... http://punx.com/members/12730 Soooo…. I guess things didn’t really go over as well as they should have.  I’m not going to go over all the bullshit that’s gone on since last week. But, it was all just that… bullshit. I just can’t let myself get wrapped up in relationships, or anything of the like.  I’m going to get a ring that says it all, and will post a photo once I get it. But yeah, no marriage or anything of the like for me. My heart’s been treaded on for far too long, and put in the shittiest of situations to bother with this anymore. My heart just isn’t in the equation anymore. I can’t wrap my mind around how to deal with people, especially of the opposite sex. How to get what I want, and still give what they want. I don’t have it in me to play the game. I don’t care. Yes I would love to have someone by my side to spend time with and enjoy life’s little wonders, but I won’t. I think something is wrong with me and feel I need some professional help, in learning to cope, and deal with things. To help me calm down and maybe understand what is what. Maybe I analyze things too much, but it seems to be getting worse, and there are fewer answers, that I am comfortable with.  I’m just getting more and more lost, and more and more depressed about everything. I’m losing it.

]]> Punkmonkey Wed, 22 Jul 2009 21:06:15 +0100 Updates.... http://punx.com/members/12730 Sooo… I haven’t been on here much lately, just like most folks on here, they get excited about having a place on the net to hang out and meet new people, but usually after a few days or so, things get overly boring on here. I’ve tried to stay active at least weekly, or monthly, for a bit over a year I guess, but I don’t get much feedback or anything. I probably should update photos more often or something. I’ll admit I am lazy, and have not uploaded any of the photos I’ve taken in the last few months or so. I just don’t have the time it takes to upload them on to a computer, sort through, and edit any… It just takes too much time. I could just dew a few quick ones i guess, but it irritates me sometimes just thinking about it. Its weird when you can’t wrap your mind around something positively now matter what you try?! Argh… lol.

Anyway, gonna be going to another Rancid show here, actually tomorrow Friday, 17-JUL-09. I’m kinda excited, though not really. I love Rancid, but I hate the Venue, it’s an early show, and they aren’t even the headliners. The Tickets were more than I would normally pay, but there was one special reason I bought them…  See, as of right now I am I guess engaged?! What?? Yeah I know… It’s a very odd thing, being that I was once married, and never wanted to get married at all, let alone a second time… Thing about it is that I really don’t think we’ll get married, but I think I’m just going to go with the flow and see how things go. I mean I really love this girl, but I know it would probably be more work than it would be worth.  She was my last girlfriend, and she dumped me a few months ago because she wanted to do her own thing. She still wants to do her own thing, but thinks she’s ready to get married again and possibly have a kid??! I think she was just a bit emotional, hung-over and feeling lonely…  I know how she is, and I don’t know how well I can handle this relationship, or even if I really should. I wish things were easier, but when it comes to me and my life… I guess I complicate things unnessesarily… Blahhh… anyway I hope this weekend goes well, and if things work out between us then they work, if not, hopefully it won’t hurt as much as it did the last time… Which I’m sure it will… Wish me Luck!

]]> Punkmonkey Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:25:47 +0100 SHOW!!! http://punx.com/members/12730 Fuck Yeah! Gonna go see Leftover Crack and the Casualties on Friday in Austin, TX!!! Freakin Sweet!! :)

]]> Punkmonkey Thu, 25 Jun 2009 21:26:03 +0100 feeling... http://punx.com/members/12730 Why do I genuinely care about people who obviously do not care anything about me? I seem to have trouble deciphering if someone actually has a viable interest in me or if they just want to use me for one thing or another. I’m not very social. I like to go out, but I have a really hard time, conversating, and meeting new people. I can never think of things to talk about, or feel comfortable approaching people. The few friends I have I’ve had since High School and met through mutual interests, and being the few people in town who skated. Now that I’m older I have a hard time finding people with like interests that I can actually call friends, or feel comfortable enough to talk to. It may be in-part to my jaded look on life, which I really don’t like, but it seems to just be the way I am. Not that I am always negative, just most of the time. I can’t seem to crack my shell. Every time I think I’m getting somewhere I end up with another bad experience that sends me spiraling back down into depression, and resentment. Right now I’m trying to have a life, and socialize more, but the more I go out the less it seems possible. There aren’t enough people, with the type of personalities that get me excited. Maybe that’s the problem is I am looking too hard, but either way I don’t think it matters, and no one cares… I have to figure out something. I’m just not happy right now, it’s been about a month of regular depression about one thing or another. I just have nothing worth doing, nowhere worth going, no one worth talking to, just the same old nothing that I grew up with, and thought when I was older and had a chance to go out and do things that it would all change, but it hasn’t. I know I get down on myself way too much, over things that shouldn’t really matter, but I really just don’t get it. Anyway that’s all the time I have right now so I’ll just leave it at that.

]]> Punkmonkey Thu, 28 May 2009 21:36:56 +0100 Realize... http://punx.com/members/12730 So, I think I may be finally feeling a bit better, at least for now. I've come to realize and accept a few things in my life, I'm trying to change what my lazy ass can, and just trying to deal with that which I can't. It sucks when you have to figure things out on your own, to come to an understanding that makes sense and to be ok enough to move on... Things I guess happen for a reason, those reasons don't always matter, but they are there. I'm ok, and moving on. I know there is much more to be fucked over to come in the future, so might as well try and move on for now. Anyway, I'm over it...

]]> Punkmonkey Tue, 19 May 2009 13:04:34 +0100 Aggravation...Happiness... http://punx.com/members/12730 Fuckin damn… People just fuckin piss me off… I will never understand… I’ve tried but it’s just not worth the effort to understand things that just don’t matter, understanding will not change anything, except show how or why people are so fuckin stupid. I am noticeably annoyed, maybe it’s all the stress I’ve been under the stupid shit I put myself through, maybe just to feel like something is going on like I have some kind of life?! Who fuckin cares… Really there is no excuse. I don’t want to see or talk to anyone. I need time to myself just to clear my head, and get over the bullshit. I feel in some way all this shit will lead to something good, but will it be worthwhile? I seriously doubt it. I’ve come to realize that every enjoyable pleasure in life comes at a price and in the end really isn’t all that great. Nothing is forever except death, and yet we still strive to find that thing that will always be there to make us happy, to put that smile on our faces and in our hearts. I know that will never happen, those things and those moments are fleeting. Anything that makes you smile for any period of time will sooner or later rip it straight back off in less time than it took to put it there. I’m just tired, have been for quite a few years… I want some positive change, something that will help me feel like things are or will for sure be ok. I’m not sure what that would be, or if it’s even possible. I have hope in my heart, but its fleeting…  I feel if this goes on much longer I will lose myself or something… I’ve lost and am loosing quite a bit every day. My good friends are trying to pull me out of this rut I’ve gotten myself in, but I don’t feel much better. It’s nice to know I still have friends, who though we don’t speak much or hang out often, are still there… I just feel it’s not enough. As someone told me maybe I am being selfish? I’m sure I am to an extent but I feel that right now making me happy is what is important. How can I make anyone else happy, or expect someone to make me happy when I can’t do it myself… I need something solid. To feel like there is a purpose worthy of my time and effort, something that I can feel confident, and am excited about doing. I’ve lost my passion in life, just drifting by day to day, hoping for something, something to prove there is good and a reason for being here. Because of this, maybe I miss the small things that make life what it is. I know to try and appreciate every day, the sun that shines, the stars that twinkle, the birds that sing, the wind that blows past our faces… the smells that fill the air, the Spring flowers that are everywhere right now, but will be gone in a few months for another year. Honestly the way life goes who knows if I will be around to see them again next year. Things happen all the time, so we should take time out to appreciate the little things that are normally taken for granted. It’s just hard when your heart isn’t in it, and you still feel alone. I know I’m not the only one who’s ever gone through this, and that it will not be the last time either, but I want… Something…

]]> Punkmonkey Wed, 13 May 2009 20:23:28 +0100 What was that? http://punx.com/members/12730 So, I'm feeling like shit, as usual, but a bit different. Nothing seems to be going well. It's all my fault, but I want to make things better, but its so depressing not seeing how to fix things. I'm tired, negative, bitter, resentful, selfish, lazy, and a million and one other bad things. I need to find a way out and am now using alcohol to cope, which I know doesn't help anything, just makes things worse. Things will get better I know, but I just cant think strait right now. My mind is not where it used to be, it's not what it used to be either. It will be ok.

]]> Punkmonkey Wed, 06 May 2009 14:54:23 +0100 Broken Heart http://punx.com/members/12730 Well... It happened. My Girlfriend dumped me. She couldn't even do it herself. I understand she is horrible at relationships, but I thought it was just something we could work at, but I guess I was too much, there too much, wanting to be around her, though I thought I gave her space, though the space she wanted was to do things you shouldn’t while in a relationship with someone. I understand that maybe she doesn’t want to hurt me because she knows how much I care about her, but this still hurts… She said she would call me to explain, but I really don’t see that happening.. I miss her so much, and really I shouldn’t, but I do?! What the hell does that mean? I don’t want to feel this way, I want to let go and be ok. It’s for the best, but I miss something about her, maybe it’s her smell, maybe it’s just her personality, maybe the excitement of possibilities. All I do know is this is going to hurt for quite some time. What makes it worse is there are a whole bunch of other issues in my life that are stressing me the fuck out! I don’t know if I can concentrate on all this negativity and come out ok??? I’m negative as it is, I have my moments, but for the most part I am so negative about everything. She made me smile, just knowing she was there, and that I would see her. I was just thinking about how she would call me when I got off work just to say hi! I felt that was special… I’m going to miss that! Why can’t I be happy, or be with the ones that make me excited and happy? What is it in me that they just don’t care for me the way I care for them… I need to get hit in the head, change my personality, or get amnesia or something. I haven’t been able to sleep for three days, waiting and wanting to know what was up with her, trying to give her space, to then be called by her roommate that she was dumping me… God I feel like shit…

]]> Punkmonkey Mon, 04 May 2009 17:46:29 +0100 Shit...Shit...Shit... http://punx.com/members/12730 Argh.... Why am I such a dumb ass!?! I'm not in the best of places in my life right now. I've got this girlfriend, and I love her to death, but I don't know where I stand, or what kind of a relationship we have... I guess it's gonna be a learning experience one way or the other... Shit, I'm so fucking stupid! How, and why do I get my self into things I don't know how to handle? Oh whell guess I'll figure something out, or just see how things go...

]]> Punkmonkey Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:16:43 +0100 Uncertainty… http://punx.com/members/12730 Ok, so I’m feeling like shit again. Guess there really isn’t a reason except that there is. I guess what it all boils down to is knowing what’s what and dealing with that. It always seems easier when you think of others situations and what they are going through, or went through than to deal with it your self. I guess it’s the whole personal emotional issue that fucks things up. Basically I’m involved with a girl who I probably shouldn’t be. I know if/when things end it’s going to be another struggle for me. The whole thing with us kinda happened on a drunken whim. I think the world of her, but can’t get over the fact that things just aren’t going to work out. Kinda funny because the way she’s being is kinda how I was in my last relationship, though not as harsh. I know she loves me and I love her too, but in the end love is not what matters. You can love some one and still cause a lot of harm. I know because I’ve gone through it several times now, and it is taking its toll… I’m a bit bitter, and resentful about past relationship. I’m quite confused on how things work, and when you know things are truly good. When is it time to really think about having a future with someone especially when you really don’t know that much about them? I’m confused, but do know things will end soon if something doesn’t change. I love the way she is with me, but at the same time I don’t think she cares or understands what its like when she’s not around. I’m scared to death she will go out and something will happen, then I am left to deal with my thoughts and feelings alone. There are a few stressors in my life right now, and this though as nice as it is at times, is a big one. Is that a reason to let it all go? I don’t really know. I can’t see how that would help things, and then I would just focus on all the other shit going wrong. I need a positive outlet, just haven’t found one… I’m such a negative person, always analyzing things that maybe I shouldn’t, but the fact is these things turned out to be real in the past and I don’t want it to happen again. People are scary, the way they deal with each other and the things they do to one another. Personal interactions really scare me. I guess that’s why things just seem easier online, not much actual emotion or whatever it is that causes the anxiety. Sometimes I feel I should see a shrink or something, just to get incite on how to cope with issues, that seem to arise and complicate life. I’m not sure what I’m saying… I guess I just want to be happy…

]]> Punkmonkey Tue, 28 Apr 2009 00:17:31 +0100 Pennywise http://punx.com/members/12730 Ok, So I got to go to the Pennywise show this weekend in Austin TX as Stubbs. They played with the Expendables, and Pepper... All I can say is I didn't care for the style of music played by the Expendables or Pepper, but they were'nt bad for what they played... I guess, I don't really know?? lol... Anyway after a few hours of waiting for the one band we (me and my girlfriend) went to see they finally started... Seems like it took forever and a day... Anyway they played well, lots, nad lots of energy, they did two covers, one was Rancid's "Ruby Soho", and then Black Flag's "Gimme Gimme Gimme". Pretty well done. Oh, shit they even played Stand by Me! Funny as hell as they had some audience members come up to help sing, lol... they just danced around, guess they couldn't remember the words... So in all it was a pretty good show, first one I went to with my Girlfriend, I was just excited in that in itself... Wink After the show we stopped by one of Austins "Best Wurst" food carts on 6th st! Love their Bratwurst! Yummy, though a bit messy... Then I noticed I didn't have my ID, shit did I lose it at the show?? I was supper bummed, one because I never loose cards or anything, and two because I wanted to get a hotel room, and would need it?!! Shit! We walked back to the venue which was basically closed, they said to check back the next day... Fuck if I left that night who knows when I might be back to see if they found it??? So we jsut said fuck it nad went back to the car, while digging in my pockets I felt a card in my coin pocket?? What was this? It was my flippin ID!! Let me tell you I checked my pockets like five times my wallet at least 3, not to mention walking back and forth to see where it may have fallen, and the whole while it was hidding in my little often unused coin pocket... Argh! so anyway we took of and found a hotel, watched some Futurama, and called it a night... Cool So, it was fun, had great company, and all turned out well. Ohh. Forgot my camera so no photos... Cry Maybe next time...

]]> Punkmonkey Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:27:28 +0100 What's new? http://punx.com/members/12730 So... What's new?

Oh, nothin much.

Isn't that always the way it goes? Nothin much, just the same old same old... When really much has been going on, changed maybe? Who know's? Just that sometimes its so much you don't know or want to start going through the dribbles of daily life...

One thing that always seems to be there at least for me is stress... Always something different and new to complain about or bothering me, but I guess thats just part of life, at least mine anyway.

Shit... I really have some things that I'd like to get out and off my chest, but I don't even know how to go about getting it out. This is a blog right? A place and way of getting things out letting people who care to read about it?? But sometimes things just seem so out of control that you don't know where to start or you just start jumping around different topics to where if anyone reads these things they may not make any sense!!

Anyway Blah.... Undecided

]]> Punkmonkey Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:57:07 +0100 FUcking up... http://punx.com/members/12730 Why do we as humans do fucked up shit, that hurts others, especially the ones we love. I’m trying to deal with some issues right now, mostly self inflicted. I guess I asked for it. I feel there are just things that I need to learn to deal with, so I’m trying to take it as a learning experience, and hopefully come out better for it. Honestly I’m not the most positive person so I am afraid it will prove it’s self more than I can handle. Already there are things that I don’t think or know how to handle, and it’s going to make me feel like shit for quite a while, I just hope I find a positive way of coping with it. The fact of the matter is when you sty and smoothly transition things but it doesn’t quite happen like it should. You try and help the other person, help keep their self esteem high, knowing that whatever is the issue it has nothing to do with them just that you don’t feel right being with them anymore, and they still get hurt and want to make you feel like shit, and try and ruin everything in your life. I guess I just need to stay away from people like that. I don’t know why when people get hurt everything turns to them getting back as someone. Though that seems like the natural/normal thing to do, why can’t we just find other ways of dealing with being hurt? I try my damndest to not hurt anyone in the end, though I know some things you can’t help, and then I guess I did do what I shouldn’t have. How do you deal with things and deal with the lies someone who says they care/cared about you starts to spread just to make your life a hell. I guess that’s how you see who your real friends are. Kinda sucks… Guess I’ll figure something out. If you have any suggestions, PLEASE feel free to let me know! I could really use some help.

]]> Punkmonkey Wed, 04 Mar 2009 21:29:09 +0100 Depression http://punx.com/members/12730 Depression… What is it where does it come from? Why does it seem to overwhelm so many lives? I feel the pain as much as any other person. I understand how it affects our lives and makes things harder then they should be. I hate feeling shitty about a life that really isn’t that bad, I look at others who are suffering daily and funny enough it makes me feel worse, why? Because then I feel bad for feeling bad about the stupid shit when others are going through worse… Blah…

Anyway shit happens.  

]]> Punkmonkey Sat, 21 Feb 2009 20:28:50 +0100 Vandals http://punx.com/members/12730 So, I had a chance to go see the VANDALS down in Austin last weekend. Pretty good show! I must say... I'm not the biggest Vandals fan, I have none of their albums, but I do like quite a few of their songs, and I'm glad I had a chance to see them at Red 7! They played quite a  few songs I recognized. It was fun! I tried to take a few photos, but I think something is wrong with my camera, as the photos looked a bit blurred in the view finder, but I haven't pulled them off the card onto my netbook. If I got any decent photos I'll post'em up. Next show up is Agnostic Front this Friday...

]]> Punkmonkey Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:19:12 +0100